The Single Parent household and the building/dispelling of an emotional exo-skeleton.

PART 1

The Single Parent household, and the building of an emotional exoskeleton and ways to dispel the exoskeleton:

To be clear:

THIS IS NOT A BLOG ON HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILD, THIS IS INFORMATION TO HELP SMOOTHEN THAT PROCESS AS A SINGLE PARENT AND AS THE CHILD WHO GREW UP IN THIS ENVIRONMENT. AND ILLUMINATE THE DETAILS THAT ARE VITAL IN BRIDGING THE COMMUNICATION GAP)

I AM SPEAKING AS THE CHILD AND OBSERVER!

Being that I am grown now, I am now able to see and discern what it was that my mother was going through when I was younger, because I live as a grown person now with “grown-up” responsibilities, and the personal experiences to back up my words. I am also able to discern what in which the people who have lived in this type of environment, need to have true clarity of self in our surroundings. (Being either parent or child) To bridge the communication gap.

Perspective

I am a spiritual medium, Shaman, and esoteric reader.

I work with personal transformation and wellness for people who haven’t or need to align their spiritual/deep purpose to their daily routine and careers!

I am here to provide mindfulness to help bring balance, clarity, and a richer sense of awareness, to help bring forward calmness, contentment, and connection as we embrace the beauty of the mind, body, and spirit connection.

I have spent my entire life observing my mother and the single mother/parent dynamic by watching my family and friends around me.

I am a proud and dedicated babysitter/nanny, godmother, aunt, big cousin/sibling, and Dance instructor/teacher to middle school and high school children; and I have spent countless hours babysitting, nannying, and caretaking for many children and watching the dynamic between them and their parents for 13 years now. (As of this year, of original writing, 2022 in America, I will be 26)

So, the perspective and experience I'm coming from are completely objective from observing my friends who are parents, but also subjective through my own experience growing up.

In this perspective, I am the child.

In my experience, growing up with my mom who raise both me and my sister and Cousins that needed help, in which we are all five years apart from each other in age. With my dad being incarcerated, and my sister's dad and my mother in a custody battle, my mom had little to no help from either my father or my sister's father or the parents of my cousin. Plus, taking care of my grandparents until they fell ill and passed, my mom had a lot on her plate. (I know because she stressed it a lot.)

We spent very little time, in quality, together, being that my mom mostly worked two to three jobs until I being the youngest was around 12 or 13; while me and my sisters being intensely focused on sports/school/personal lives, and in my case my spirituality as well as being a musician/artist.

So, the times that my mom was home, she spent a lot of time in her room sleeping or just resting and being still because she was tired (And I'm sure she was stressed TF OUT.).

But, with the brief time that we had in spending with one another, each interaction was very important, with vital information about one another as a family both gained and missed out.

When we had ups, they were UP but when we had downs, it was LOW. Especially, due to us all living independent-focused experiences. It made the distance that much further.

My mom had to be the spider killer, the protector when the storms rolled in, the nurturer, the disciplinary and provider; in which she had not the time to nurture herself and us, and in her words, she chose us.

Even though she enjoys the sacrifices she made, I know that it was very taxing to her mind, body, and spirit. Playing both mom and dad, to the best of her ability.

I share this to paint a simple picture of the narrow scope that the single parent (and children) live in. Not saying this is the exact experience of every single parent, but they often live in the chaotic realm of always taking care of everyone else but not themselves. I share this chaotic realm to show you what the child is absorbing/observing during the time of their upbringing.

Growing up in a single-parent household is a lot more challenging than the people who have grown up in these conditions make it appear. It seems to me that living in these conditions creates an "emotional exoskeleton" that is often harder to soften as you get older. I can only share my own experience. Yet, I will do my best to be as clear as I can to elaborate on a few of the many reasons that I feel create this exoskeleton emotionally while living in a single-parent household, and being in the midst of organized chaos due to the imbalance and lack of healed feminine and masculine presence/energy.

Which can live as a part of this emotional exoskeleton for both parent and child, as well as lead into the child's adult years.

What is an emotional exoskeleton?

An Emotional exoskeleton is a hard layer that is used as a pillar to "lean on" and/or as a mechanism for protection; worn by people who lack firm trust in people, interactions/attachments, and experiences (and even themselves).

Built by a lack of emotional trust growing up or from constant heavy experiences.

Similarly, to the way Shrek described his onion layers.

The Layers

From my perspective watching my mom: as a single mother who ran the home, a lot of what I saw was what I call “The superhero complex”. The “everything is all right/good” mentality or mascaraed. Because she had to take care of everything on her own. So, whenever myself or my sister would ask my mom “What is wrong?” or “Are you okay?”; oftentimes her answer was “I’m okay/it’s okay”, “I’m fine” and/or “I’ll/It’ll be all right.” With no further explanation, even though something was clearly not okay.

Though she intended to protect me and my siblings from the stress she felt and, from feeling that we would not be able to understand what she was going through at the time, as most mothers/parents I know try to spare their child the burden.

Communication (both subtle and direct)

Children need our communication so that they can be good at communicating. One cannot be expected to know, if not given or shown the knowledge.

Even though the child may not know the depth of the circumstance, the child knows how their parents feel; and they know enough to ask, “What is wrong?”

Withholding the truth creates more friction than simply being honest.

Being that, as a child, facial expression and tone of voice are key languages in learning how your parent(s) feels/moves and how to read the atmosphere.

So, to say “I’m all right” when you are not all right, not only lies to the child but the parent. Subconsciously, this creates a lack of trust in the intuition as the child, and a pattern of withholding the truth as the parent; and vice versa.

Withholding the truth, which is no better than lying. If this pattern continues it can make both, the parent and the child feel left in the dark.

So, it is the child's intuition that guided them to even be curious about the parent’s state of being.

It is good to give children an explanation now so that when they get older, they will be able to broaden their understanding with a deeper perspective because they were given the full information when they asked. Therefore, the child can learn how to be honest and upfront with their own experiences.

Displacement

Sit and visualize for a second.

A familiar situation for many, not all: remember a time you got in trouble as a child.

Imagine doing something you knew you weren’t supposed to do, or accidentally doing something you knew could get you in trouble. Think about how you felt in that moment, KNOWING a consequence might be coming.

Now imagine your parent approaching you and saying, “If you tell me the truth, you will not get in trouble.” But as the child, you already feel that whether you tell the truth or not, a consequence is coming.

I feel it is important for that “deal” the promise of not getting in trouble for telling the truth, to be upheld.

When a child is promised safety in being honest but is punished after speaking their truth, honesty can begin to feel unsafe. If this becomes a consistent pattern, the child may learn to withhold the truth or lie to protect themselves. Trust between parent and child can weaken because the parent’s actions don’t match their words. As that child becomes an adult, they may carry that same fear into their personal and romantic relationships.

From this perspective, I also recognize the many roles a single parent may have to fill: offering comfort, creating openness, providing guidance, and maintaining discipline.

When one person doesn’t have the bandwidth or support to move between all those responsibilities, the lines can blur. They may move straight into handling the situation without pausing to recognize the promise they made or how the child experienced it.

This is what I mean by displacement becoming an exoskeleton: the pressures of carrying so many roles can form a protective outer shell around the family dynamic. The parent’s overwhelm may spill into their response to the child, while the child learns to protect themselves by withholding. That shell may help them get through the moment, but it can also make openness and connection more difficult. (Especially as the child becomes an adult.)

As a grown person, I recognize that children don’t just repeat our words; they follow our actions.

From my experience as a child, I remember the fear of being reprimanded for telling the truth. From my experience as a nanny and babysitter, I also witnessed the tension a single parent can face while trying to fill so many roles with limited capacity.

I can recognize the weight the parent is carrying while still recognizing the child’s need to trust that when honesty is invited, the promise attached to it will be honored.

The Truth

As we grow older, we must remember the intensity of our emotions as a child.

Imagine you have to tell on yourself after getting in trouble.

Consciousness is a constant and is always with you as the individual. So, in this confession, the child will realize the depth of their actions and the effect they have on themselves and others.

From the parent, from there, the firm explanation and communication on WHY what the child did was wrong will be more digestible because of the feelings that were faced during the confession.

In my perspective, learning how to communicate healthily in and through a negative/imbalanced environment or situation increases your ability to resolve conflict.

When you are given a verbal blueprint of how things around are operating, it allows you the ability to remain objective and see from all sides and move accordingly from there forward.

When the child is given well, elaborate, constructive, and honest communication, the child learns how to communicate equally well. Though arguing has a negative connotation, it is healthy for growing children to see and learn how/how not to be when it comes to conflict resolution.

With conflict resolution, a part of that is neutrally speaking about the child’s other parent, being that the dynamic is a single-parent household. Whether you are in separation or you just didn't have a strong connection before. (This is one of the major causes, I feel, of the emotional exoskeleton.)

Self-Guided Perspective

As a child, when you hear negative words about your parents, without the perspective of your own or the discernment not to personalize the information.

Subconsciously, the child internalizes that information about themselves. This can sometimes translate to the child embodying that information. The parents are the child's first reference about themselves and the world, so when they hear bad things about their parents, they take those bad words about their parents to heart, especially if the child truly and genuinely love and cares about their parents.

I believe it is important for the child's mind and spirit to discern for themselves a perception of their parents, without the interference of the parents (or other people). When you speak neutrally about the child's other parent, around/to the child, it allows the child room for their interpretation and emotional perspective. So, they can build their perception of what an unhealed or healed feminine or masculine energy looks like, with a firmer, more self-understood perspective.

This brings me to one of the most vital points.

It is SUPER important for single parents to date while raising their children. (To date, take care of self, cater to the wants/needs of self, self-care acts)

This is not only important for the child but mostly for the parent. IT IS HEALTHY TO DATE AND BRING THE DATE AROUND THE CHILD WHILE BEING A SINGLE PARENT. (With good judgment and discernment.)

Interactions & Dynamics

Another important discernment is for the child to see you interact with your significant love. Seeing you as their parent's in significant love gives the child perspective of how/how not, to set boundaries in Significant love or friendship. (Because significant love stems from friendship and unity.) In this same action, the child will then be able to see how to communicate in significant love, and how to give and receive (or the contrary).

Gathering perspective of what the trials and errors of love look like and feel like, because when the child observes the child essentially feels the energy of the parent and learns from that energy. When a child can see the way, you as their parent move insignificant love. They can then see and begin to define, in their terms and perception of good and bad action, what love looks like being given to someone you love or are infatuated with and how to display that type of love (and/or the contrary).

When the child is not given this example, it makes the trials and errors a lot harder as a grown person because then they have to learn to identify healed/unhealed masculine or feminine energy on their own through trial and error.

But when they see this display of love from their parents, to their significant love, they can have a firmer perspective of their own; of what healed and unhealed actions are made in love and coming from the same/opposite sex and how to discern for themselves by seeing your display of showing love, setting boundaries/conflict resolution and communicating.

With all these layers added to the emotional exoskeleton, you understand Shrek and his onion theory a little more.

In conclusion:

Amongst all of these attributes that tally up and create this hard emotional exoskeleton, what is the key thing that can crack open this hard shell?

1. Communication!

2. Being open and honest.

3. Being able to not be okay, and acknowledging and explaining why. (Showing and owning up to vulnerability)

4. Taking care of yourself to show the child how to independently take care of yourself.

Because when we are able, as adults, to communicate and explain things to children and put things in the simplest of forms, we can then better communicate to ourselves and one another in general. I feel communication and communicating your truth, can bridge the gap to a lot of the stresses when it comes to raising a child as a single parent.

The power of Explanation.

Children are the future; so, when we as adults give the proper guidance now, they will be able to give and reciprocate and more what will be necessary when they grow up.

Communication is one of the most important traits/gifts that we can give to a child. And it is a gift that when given open and authentically and genuinely, keeps giving abundantly every time.

Thank you for reading all of what I had to say about this topic.

Though it is many words there are many more that I have to share when it comes to this topic.

Stay tuned for Part 2. Where I will talk about, from the child's perspective: why children need to see their parents fail or be vulnerable and get back up in any situation, why the child needs to see their parents do self-care acts, and why the child needs to have communication and sight of both of their parents, if possible; and why it is important to provide an outlet for the child in these conditions.

Please comment, leave your feedback on the feedback page or in the comments of this blog and ask as many questions as you have in regards to what I have written. I am open and willing to elaborate and explain anything that may have been unclear or if you just need further elaboration.

Thank you again!