The Single Parent household and the building/dispelling of an emotional exoskeleton.

PART 1

The Single Parent household, and the building of an emotional exoskeleton and ways to dispel the exoskeleton:

To be clear:

THIS IS NOT A BLOG ON HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILD, THIS IS INFORMATION TO HELP SMOOTHEN THAT PROCESS AS A SINGLE PARENT. AND ILLUMINATE THE DETAILS THAT ARE VITAL IN BRIDGING THE COMMUNICATION GAP)

Being that I am grown now, I am now able to see and discern what it was that my mother was going through when I was younger, because I live as a grown person now with “grown folk’s” responsibilities, and the personal experiences to back up my words. I am also able to discern what in which the people who have lived in this type of environment, need to have true clarity of self in our surroundings. (Being either mother or child) To bridge the communication gap.

I am a spiritual medium, Shaman, and esoteric reader.

I work with personal transformation and wellness for people who haven’t or need to align their spiritual/deep purpose, to their daily routine and careers!

I am here to provide mindfulness to help bring balance, clarity, and a richer sense of awareness, to help bring forward calmness, contentment, and connection as we embrace the beauty of the mind, body, and spirit connection.

I have spent my entire life observing my mother and the single mother/parent dynamic, by watching my family and friends around me.

I am a proud and dedicated babysitter/nanny, godmother, aunt, big cousin/sibling, and Dance instructor/teacher to middle school and Highschool kids and I have spent countless hours babysitting, nannying, and caretaking for many children and watching the dynamic between them and their parents, For 13 years now. (As of this year,2022 in America, I will be 26)

So, the perspective and experience I'm coming from are completely objective from observing my friends that are parents, but also subjective through my own experience growing up.

In this perspective, I am the child.

In my experience, growing up with my mom who raise both me and my sister and Cousins that needed help, in which we are all five years apart from each other in age. With my dad being incarcerated, and my sister's dad and my mother in a custody battle, my mom had little to no help from either mine or my sister's father or the parents of my cousin. Plus, taking care of my grandparents until they fell ill and passed; my mom had a lot on her plate. (I know because she stressed it a lot.)

We spent very little time, in quality, together, being that my mom mostly worked two to three jobs until I being the youngest was around 12 or 13; while me and my sisters being intensely focused on sports/school/personal lives, and in my case my spirituality as well as being a musician/artist.

So, the times that my mom was home she spent a lot of time in her room sleeping or just resting and being still because she was tired (And I'm sure she was stressed TF OUT.).

But, with the brief time that we had in spending with one another, each interaction was very important, with vital information about one another as a family both gained and missed out. When we had ups, they were UP but when we had downs, it was LOW. Especially, due to us all living independent-focused experiences. It made the distance that much further.

My mom had to be the spider killer, the protector when the storms rolled in, the nurturer, the disciplinary and provider; in which she had not the time to nurture herself and us, and in her words, she chose us. Even though she enjoys the sacrifices she made, I know that it was very taxing to her mind, body, and spirit. Playing both mom and dad, to the best of her ability.

I share this to paint a simple picture of the narrow scope that the single parent lives in. Not saying this is the exact experience of a single parent, but they often live in the chaotic realm of always taking care of everyone else but not themselves. I share this chaotic realm to show you what the child is absorbing/observing during the time of their upbringing.

Growing up in a single-parent household is a lot more challenging than the people who have grown up in these conditions make it appear. It seems to me, that living in these conditions creates an emotional exoskeleton, that is often harder to soften as you get older. I can only share my own experience. Yet, I will do my best to be as clear as I can to elaborate on a few, of the many, reasons that I feel create this exoskeleton emotionally while living in a single-parent household, and being in the midst of organized chaos due to the imbalance and lack of healed feminine and masculine presence/energy. Which can live as a part of this emotional exoskeleton for both parent and child, as well as lead into the child's adult years.

What is an emotional exoskeleton?

An Emotional exoskeleton is a hard layer that is used as a pillar to lean on and/or as a mechanism for protection; worn by people who lack a firm trust for people, interactions/attachments, and experiences. Built by a lack of emotional trust growing up or from constant heavy experiences.

Similarly, to the way, Shrek described his onion layers.

The Layers

As a single mother who ran home, a lot of what I saw from my mom was what I call “The superhero complex”. The “everything is all right/good” mentality or mascaraed. Because she had to take care of everything on her own. So, whenever myself or my sister would ask my mom “What is wrong?” or “Are you okay?”; oftentimes her answer was “I’m okay/it’s okay”, “I’m fine” and/or “I’ll/It’ll be all right.” With no further explanation, even though something was clearly not okay.

Though she intended to protect me and my siblings from the stress she felt and, from feeling that we would not be able to understand what she was going through at the time, as most mothers/parents I know try to spare their child the burden. Children need our communication so that they can be good at communicating. One cannot be expected to know, if not given or shown the knowledge.

Even though the child may not know the depth of the circumstance, the child knows how their parents feel; and they know enough to ask, “what is wrong”. Withholding the truth creates more friction than simply being honest. Being that, as a child, facial expression and tone of voice are key languages in learning how your parent(s) feels/moves and how to read the atmosphere.

So, to say “I’m all right” when you are not all right, not only lies to the child but the parent. Subconsciously, this creates a lack of trust in the intuition as the child, and a pattern of withholding the truth as the parent; and vice versa. Withholding the truth, which is no better than lying. If this pattern continues it can make both, the parent and the child feel left in the dark.

So, it is the child's intuition that guided them to even be curious about the parent’s state of being.

It is good to give children an explanation now so that when they get older, they will be able to broaden their understanding with a deeper perspective because they were given the full information when they asked. Therefore, the child can learn how to be honest and upfront with their own experiences.

Sit and visualize for a second.

A familiar situation and scenario to many (not all):

Remember a time you got in trouble as a child.

Now imagine doing something you either knew you weren’t supposed to or accidentally doing something you knew would get you in trouble. Think about how you would feel in that moment, KNOWING, you would possibly face a repercussion.

Now imagine your parent(s) coming to you after you had misbehaved, and your parent states to you “If you tell me the truth, you will not get in trouble.” But you as the child who knows, that whether or not you tell the truth, a repercussion is coming.

I feel like it is important for that deal, of not receiving a repercussion for telling the truth, to be upheld.

If the child is reprimanded for speaking their truth outwardly to their parents, and if this becomes a consistent pattern; then both the child and parent create a habit of withholding the truth from one another and lying. Which can cause the child to have a lack of faith and trust in your words, response/reaction as the parent because you lied, and their truth was catastrophized. (And as the child becomes an adult, they may continue this pattern in their love/personal relationships.)

As a grown person I recognize that it isn’t our words that are just repeated by children but it is our actions that they follow.

From my experience nannying/babysitting, it is within the child telling their truth, that they will be reprimanded.

The Truth

As we grow older we must remember the intensity of our emotions as a child.

Imagine, you have to tell on yourself after getting in trouble.

Consciousness is a constant and is always with you as the individual. So, it is within this confession, that the child will realize the depth of their actions and the effect that their actions have on themselves and others.

From the parent, from there the firm explanation and communication on WHY what the child did was wrong, will be more digestible because of the feelings that were faced during the confession.

In my perspective, learning how to communicate healthily in and through a negative/imbalanced environment or situation increases your ability to resolve conflict.

When you are given a verbal blueprint of how things around are operating, it allows you the ability to remain objective and see from all sides and move accordingly from there forward. When the child is given well, elaborate, constructive, and honest communication the child learns how to communicate equally as well. Though arguing has a negative denotation, it is healthy for growing children to see, to learn how/how not to be when it comes to conflict resolution.

With conflict resolution, a part of that is neutrally speaking about the child’s other parent, being that the dynamic is a single-parent household. Whether you are in separation or you just didn't have a strong connection before. (This is one of the major causes, I feel, of the emotional exoskeleton.)

As a child, when you hear negative words about your parents, without the perspective of your own or the discernment to not personalize the information.

Subconsciously, the child internalizes that information, about themselves. Which can sometimes, translate to the child embodying that information. The parents are the child's first reference about themselves and the world, so when they hear bad about their parents, they take those mal words about their parents to heart; especially if the children truly and genuinely love and care about their parents.

I believe it is important for the child's mind and spirit to discern for themselves a perception of their parents, without the interference of the parents (or other people). When you speak neutrally about the child's other parent, around/to the child, it allows the child room for their interpretation and emotional perspective. So, they can build their perception of what an unhealed or healed feminine or masculine energy looks like, with a firmer, more self-understood perspective.

This brings me to one of the most vital points.

It is SUPER important for single parents to date while raising their children. (To date, take care of self, cater to the wants/needs of self, self-care acts) This is not only important for the child but mostly for the parent. IT IS HEALTHY TO DATE AND BRING THE DATE AROUND THE CHILD WHILE BEING A SINGLE PARENT. (With good judgment and discernment.)

Another important discernment is for the child to see you interact with your significant love. Seeing you as their parent's insignificant love gives the child perspective of how/how not, to set boundaries in Significant love or friendship. (Because significant love stems from friendship and unity.) In this same action, the child will then be able to see how to communicate in significant love, and how to give and receive (or the contrary).

Gathering perspective of what the trials and errors of love look like and feel like, because when the child observes the child essentially feels the energy of the parent and learns from that energy. When a child can see the way, you as their parent move insignificant love. They can then see and begin to define, in their terms and perception of good and bad action, what love looks like being given to someone you love or are infatuated with and how to display that type of love (and/or the contrary).

When the child is not given this example, it makes the trials and errors a lot harder as a grown person because then they have to learn to identify healed/unhealed masculine or feminine energy on their own through trial and error. But when they see this display of love from their parents, to their significant love, they can have a firmer perspective of their own; of what healed and unhealed actions are made in love and coming from the same/opposite sex and how to discern for themselves by seeing your display of showing love, setting boundaries/conflict resolution and communicating.

With all these layers added to the emotional exoskeleton it makes, you understand Shrek and his onion theory a little more.

In conclusion:

So, amongst all of these attributes that tally up and create this hard emotional exoskeleton, what is the key thing that can crack open this hard shell?

Communication!

Being open and honest.

Being able to not be okay, and acknowledging and explaining why. (Showing and owning up to vulnerability)

Take care of yourself, to show the child how to independently take care of yourself.

Because when we are able, as adults, to communicate and explain things to children and put things in the simplest of forms, we can then better communicate to ourselves and one another in general. I feel communication and communicating your truth, can bridge the gap to a lot of the stresses when it comes to raising a child as a single parent.

The power of Explanation.

Children are the future; so, when we as adults give the proper guidance, now, they will be able to give, and reciprocate and more what will be necessary when they grow up.

Communication is one of the most important traits/gifts that we can give to a child. And it is a gift, that when given open and authentically and genuinely, keeps giving abundantly every time.

Thank you for reading all of what I had to say about this topic. Though it is many words there are many more that I have to share when it comes to this topic.

Stay tuned for Part 2. Where I will talk about, from the child's perspective: why children need to see their parents fail or be vulnerable and get back up in any situation, why the child needs to see their parents do self-care acts, and why the child needs to have communication and sight of both of their parents, if possible; and why it is important to provide an outlet for the child in these conditions.

Please comment, leave your feedback on the feedback page or in the comments of this blog and ask as many questions as you have in regards to what I have written. I am open and willing to elaborate and explain anything that may have been unclear or if you just need further elaboration.

Thank you again!